Crying

I really, really, want to cry. And I can't. Because I am seriously allergic to tears, and my crying would leave me incapacitated for days.........does anyone else have that? So....I want to just curl up for several days being miserable and damp....and I cant. I am still hurting though. I just cant let it out

Kitchen Chaos

The kitchen is in progress. I cannot say that it is being fitted yet, because in fact it has not yet been delivered. Still, there is progress. The old has been ripped out and currently lies piled on the front lawn awaiting removal. The electricians are here as I write, busily installing new lights and plug points. I am here too, against my better judgement as I had decided that I would cope better with the whole process if I stayed out of the way during the day. However, my meeting ended early, home I came, and lucky as it happens that I did, since two of the six holes that the electrician had cut for positioning the new lights were where there will in fact be cupboards......
Tomorrow, if all goes to plan, the plasterer will work magic, the kitchen will be delivered, and the fitters will start building the units. I may, by the end of this week, have a functioning kitchen. Although NOT one with work surfaces, or indeed flooring. I forgot to order flooring. Damn. I need to get onto that. And the work surfaces apparently cannot be measured up until the rest of it is done, and then it will be a FURTHER two weeks before it is ready. It is a complicated business, this new kitchen thing....
So far I am coping, really rather well. But let's not get excited. It is day two. There are many, many more days to go.......
As to the rest of life, I have had bad days and good ones. I am struggling a little maybe, but I am ok. More or less.

Being Single

It's a funny thing. I have been in a relationship, or, more accurately, a series of relationships, since I was in my early twenties, until ex and I split up three years ago. She and I were together for 17 years, before that I was with someone for six years, before that two more relationships that lasted a couple of years. There were no gaps. I moved seamlessly from one relationship to another, never really experienced, 'being single'. And even when ex and I split up, the Boy was there to pick up the pieces, an to be, if not a relationship, at least a buffer against being alone. So you could say, now that the Boy and I are no longer in even a 'non relationship', this is the first time I have ever truly been alone, without anyone in my life and my bed.
I don't like it. And yet I am not looking for a new relationship, because I simply can't imagine managing to go through all that beginning stuff again. It seems way too complicated. But the thought of sleeping always alone, having no one who knows what I am thinking without my having to say, the thought of there being no one ever again to catch me if I fall, depresses me no end.
I would like to fall madly, stupidly, giddily, in love again, to have that excitingly breathtaking electricity again. I don't see it happening.
Maybe I am just too old, too set in my ways, too fussy.
Damn.