Bah Humbug

It's that time of year again. I used to love it. Really. When ex and I were still together and lovely son was small, I did xmas big time. The tree would go up on the 1st of December. The cake would already have been baked and brandy would be fed to it regularly. Christmas songs would be played, favorite videos watched. Fairy lights would be everywhere. We would have a glass of sherry ( only time we EVER drank sherry) by the fire and admire the tree which would be decorated with countless special things we had gathered through the years. Things which now sit the the attic of our old home. I don't live there anymore and nor does she.
I just can't be bothered any more. I will have a tree. I mean it is sitting in a pot outside in the garden waiting for christmas to come around again, so I will bring it in. Lovely Son would be disappointed if I didn't. But I will leave it till a couple of days before Christmas. There will be no build up of excitement towards the great day in this house this year. There will not be mountains of presents piling up under the tree, piles of food and wine stocking up in the cupboards. There will not be parties and neighbours popping in for drinks and nibbles. My mother will not be coming to stay.
The day will pass. When Lovely Son is here I shall make an effort and go through the motions. But he wont be here on Christmas day so I shall avoid Christmas dinner. The day will pass. Christmas really IS a time for families and at this time of year I am very conscious that I really HAVE no family any more. Just a share in Lovely Son who has other parents to spend time with too.
I am lucky that I had so many lovely Christmas times and that I have those memories still. And after all, it wasn't always good.. The last Christmas with my ex was beyond awful. Nothing can be worse than that.

Not at all sure about this....

This new blog isn't really working for me. I mean, its not like the old one was fascinating, witty or wise, but it did fell more like MINE. Now I am trying to be a bit cautious about what I reveal about myself and others , without losing the point of having the blog at all. This is where I come to whine and moan about how miserable I am...yes? Where I talk (mostly to myself probably, but I am grateful for those of you lovely readers who have persevered) about what I am feeling, what is happening in my head. This is not a diary of events, detailing my glamorous life, because I don't HAVE a glamorous life. I am not a frustrated writer looking for a book deal which is just as well, because hey, I'm not much of a writer at all. It is just my random ramble, my way of trying to stay sane.
Only somehow if I am censoring what I say, it doesn't work so well. Hmmm. Maybe I will find some sort of balance. Maybe not. Right now it feels a bit complicated

Sorrow

Yesterday was a bad day. For no real reason I felt down, depressed, and tearful all day. Just sad. It didn't help that I was not feeling well, with a sore throat, and swollen glands. But there was nothing in particular to make me feel so low. Sometimes, things just get on top of me. I miss the life I used to have. I feel lonely and alone and not very optimistic about my future. I feel as though the best parts of my life are over, and, while maybe I should just be grateful that I have HAD good times, rather than regretting that those days are gone, sometimes it is hard to stay positive. I miss the intimacy that I had when I had a family. I miss my ex. I miss my lovely son.
So. I went out and trained last night, and felt better, as I knew I would. But then I came home to an answerphone message from an old friend of mine and ex, telling us that her husband had died earlier in the year, and that she had tried to contact us at our London house, but hadn't found us there. She obviously was not aware that ex and I are no longer together. We hadn't even seen this couple for a couple of years before we split up, but we used to spend a lot of time with them when our son was much younger. She ended by saying that she hoped we would be in touch with her soon.
So sad.
I e mailed ex this morning to tell her about it. I know she will be upset. She was very fond of them both, but like me, has lost touch with many of our mutual friends since we split up. Sometimes its hard to keep in touch with people when relationships end. People feel they have to 'chose'. There are mixed loyalties. Often, its easier just to let go. And ex and I took such a long time over the split, that it was impossible to know at what point to tell people. Or even WHAT to tell them. So people we didn't see regularly did not all get told. Messy.
Yesterday was not a good day. Today isn't great either.

Monday

I feel as though I spent the weekend mostly on a motorway. If I close my eyes, I can still see the road.
It started on Saturday morning when, having set out at 10.15 to drive to Sheffield, a trip which SHOULD have taken about 4 hours, we encountered not just one, but TWO major accidents on the road, meaning instead of checking into our very comfortable hotel early afternoon, and having a couple of hours relaxing, making use of the swimming pool and the gym, we ended up STILL not having reached Sheffield at 5.00pm and having to drive straight over to Derbyshire to meet some friends for dinner, before driving back for ANOTHER hour, finally reaching our hotel at 9.30. Exhausted. At least I wasn't doing the driving. Having expected all along that B would pull out of this trip, in the end, somewhat to my surprise, he didn't. And he did do most of the driving.
Didn't get to sleep till about 1.00am after a few drinks with friends in the bar, and then had to be up again at 7.00am, for a quick and if delicious breakfast in order to get to the event which was our main reason for being there, by 8.30am. I might as well have booked us into a travel lodge for all the time we spent in the luxurious (and expensive!) hotel...... Ah well. At least the bed was comfy.
By 6.30 on Sunday evening, we were back on the road, and didn't get home till nearly 11.00am. I think I have enough of road trips for a while!
I have however, got a week off work now, so this morning I stayed in bed and slobbed around on the internets until lunch time. And I do not actually need to leave the house today, and possibly I shall not.
B and got on ok mostly. Every now and then I do wonder why I bother with him. But I would NOT have enjoyed that drive on my own.....I have some thinking to do about him. I think.

Home, by the Fire...

Ok...well, I SHOULD be out training....but I am not. I am sitting at home by the fire. And this is not so bad. Maybe sometimes, just occasionally, I need to be less strict with myself. And tonight I needed the rest. Next week, I have a week off work. This is good.
I am looking forward to the weekend. B and I are travelling up to Sheffield. We have a sporting event to attend. We are also going to meet op with some friends we met when we were on holiday. This will be nice. I hope. We are staying in a very nice hotel. Lots of friends will be around. The problem with this of course, is that B and I are 'not' together, 'not' a couple. But people make assumptions..... and he may not be happy with that. Me? I have given up caring what people think. We are an odd pair. Get over it.
So....I have been expecting him to pull out of this arrangement. So far he has not. I guess there is still time.
We shall see.

Grumpy me

I am a bit grumpy this evening. I shouldn't be. Nothing is bad really. But I am. Sometimes I just feel a bit tired of it all. And bloody Christmas has reared its head. I used to love christmas. Now I hate it. Don't want it. Not at all.
But there it is. Christmas will come and go, whether I want it or not.
There are NICE things happening in the next couple of weeks. So why am I ....just sad? Maybe its my hormones......

On Having Expectations......

Ages ago, as those who read my 'old' blog will know, I decided that really, the only way my (non) relationship with B could work, was if I had no expectations of him whatever. If I let him come and go as the feral cat I compare him to, without expectation or blame, simply enjoying what there is and not regretting what cannot not be. This week though, I have been feeling angry with him. Not about anything he has actually done (yet)....but about something that I am expecting him to do. This is not reasonable, I know. But it's how I feel. I am expecting that he will let me down over something he has said he will do. Maybe I will be proved wrong. I hope so...
But I guess the point is, that however hard I try, I CANNOT have no expectations at all of him. Oh dear.
It's strange having this new blog. I don't really know how to be. There is no history ( and that is the point) but I can't just start doing a completely different style of blog. This is my place for rambling on about me.....and the fact that my thoughts are banal and boring, is just....how it is.
Well. You don't have to read it after all. Not sure I would.

Why I Changed

I started Blogging about 18 months ago, and I think, really, it was mostly as therapy. Which worked........ I was in a bad place. I was lonely and isolated and I poured out my heart in a frighteningly honest way, and in return had lovely comments and support, and met some wonderful people. All good.
I LOVED the article in the Times this weekend, about women blogggers. (Will try and link later). That is EXACTLY how it is. All good.
But. I have closed the old blog down now, and started again. I thought long and hard about this. Some of you will know, that I stopped a few months ago, when my blog was accidentally 'found'by someone I know in 'real life'. I shut down, but then, having thought about it, opened it up again. Because it isn't as if I had never considered the possibility that I would be 'found'. Of course I did. And I kind of think, well, public blog, out there o the internets....if it happens...it happens! Its not like anything I am blogging is not true. And what is the worse thing that could happen? That people realise I am actually much more vulnerable and fragile than I seem? Well...yeah. I am...
Not so bad?
But.
Thing is, its NOT that I was 'found' that has made me move. Its that it seems very different having people read your blog from the start, and maybe, after a while, you get to meet them in 'real' life, and then, they carry ON reading your blog, but hey, you are reading theirs too......and that is actually ok. Nice even.
But then......there is Twitter.....and now you are Tweeting with people, some of whom blog, and some of whom don't. And they are Lovely! I LOVE twitter (after initial reservations!) But here is the thing. Now I am 'talking' to and then meeting people who have NOT read my blog, and some of them don't even have blogs! And even if they do....maybe they are not quite as revealing and raw as mine? But of course, having met me, naturally you would probably go back and read the history. Well. I would! I do! And to me.....that kind of feels different? To meet me now....and go back and read what was then......when they have NOT been part of it...as it was unfolding...I dunno!

Does this make sense to anyone??

So.....what with one thing and another.....I thought I would start again. But this time, it will be slightly different. Because when I started before...NO ONE knew me in 'real life'. Now, well....some of you do, and some of you I hope will. So I will still be honest and will probably overshare.....but this time I write knowing you are reading (well....maybe! I may be so boring that you are NOT).

And that may make things a little different.
Or nor.
We shall see.

Dreams and Reality

Last night I had one of those crazy nights, where you are dreaming, and then suddenly you wake with a start and realise that something actually IS moving around downstairs.....and it sounds like a cat. Or two. Except I don't HAVE a cat.....next thing I knew, siad cats that I do not have ( though I DO have a cat flap) were up the stairs, and jumping on my bed. And I actually kind of relaxed a little....cos...hey!...cats?......until one of the cats spoke to me.....
Ok...at this point I might have realised this was a dream?I didn't! I thought, REALLY thought, I was awake.
Last week, the night before I travelled up north, I was asleep in bed and 'woke up' to a man climbing into my bed....I reacted and .....then woke up.....later in the night, I woke up and remembered the dream......and the realised there WAS a man in my bed....who had crept in after I slept. Only B. And its ok he was there, but...

My point? I am having trouble here with what is real and what is dreaming!