It's a funny thing. I have been in a relationship, or, more accurately, a series of relationships, since I was in my early twenties, until ex and I split up three years ago. She and I were together for 17 years, before that I was with someone for six years, before that two more relationships that lasted a couple of years. There were no gaps. I moved seamlessly from one relationship to another, never really experienced, 'being single'. And even when ex and I split up, the Boy was there to pick up the pieces, an to be, if not a relationship, at least a buffer against being alone. So you could say, now that the Boy and I are no longer in even a 'non relationship', this is the first time I have ever truly been alone, without anyone in my life and my bed.
I don't like it. And yet I am not looking for a new relationship, because I simply can't imagine managing to go through all that beginning stuff again. It seems way too complicated. But the thought of sleeping always alone, having no one who knows what I am thinking without my having to say, the thought of there being no one ever again to catch me if I fall, depresses me no end.
I would like to fall madly, stupidly, giddily, in love again, to have that excitingly breathtaking electricity again. I don't see it happening.
Maybe I am just too old, too set in my ways, too fussy.
Damn.
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Any type of change is tough, as you know, and this one sounds big. I wish I had some seriously profound words of wisdom for you, but I don't, other than try to deal with "one day at a time", not "the rest of your life". Which you have likely already heard a thousand times before - or at least a variation thereof. But I do hope this becomes easier for you to bear in the shortest possible time.
ReplyDeleteYou are never too old to fall madly in love again♥ These things can happen when you least expect it. It's understandable why you are feeling this way {{{hugs}}} Take care. Linda
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are back in the blogosphere,and I'm also glad that things with "the boy" are over (if, indeed, that is the person you mean). It never seemed like he treated you well. I thought you deserved better.
ReplyDeleteIt's normal and natural to feel this way after a break up. If you've very rarely been single, it's great that you're taking time for yourself. It will be hard in the beginning, but I bet you'll be way happier once you get over to the other side of it.