Still here....just

I know I always sound miserable when I write here. I am not always unhappy, however, quite often I am quietly ticking along, hanging on in there and reasonably ok. It is perhaps partly that my blog is my therapy. I come here when I am angry or sad, when it all seems too much, when if I don't get it out I may explode.
The last few weeks have been mixed. I have had some nice times and some bad times. Sadness has threatened to overwhelm me more than once. I am still mourning, I am still longing for things I cannot have. On the positive side, I had a good weekend, doing lots of nice things, and Lovely Son was staying, which made it all even nicer. I have had some time off work, but that has been both good and bad. Sometimes not working just leaves me with too much time on my hands to think. Tomorrow I go back to work.
Over the next few weeks I have lots of things planned which I will enjoy. I am making an effort to plan, to ensure that I don't end up having days where I do nothing and see no one. And I can see a shift somewhere in how I am feeling. Things are not quite so bleak, quite so often. I feel a tiny bit more optimistic than I have been feeling for the last three years....
And then something happens which brings it all crashing down. Yesterday I managed to have a row with B, again, which left me filled with rage and fury, upset and distress. I know I should not let him get to me. That if I didn't have expectations of him he would not be able to let me down, would not be able to touch me like this. There is a pattern. We will be ok, and then over a period of a few weeks, I will feel more and more irritated by him and neglected by him, until finally I snap, get angry tell him how I feel, tell him to stay away from me. And he will get angry back, and we will say all the same things to each other that we always do. I reach the point where I decide that my life would be better without him in it and ask him just to stay away. He tells me he is fed up having to justify himself to me. And on it goes. At this point though, when he could walk away, when I WANT him to walk away, he wont. And he stays until we have reached some sort of calm, and maybe we are still friends. That was last night.
Today I feel upset still, and shaken. I hate rows. I don't want this sort of conflict. I wonder if he will stay away now for a while, or whether he will be back here this evening making sure I have not in fact shut him out. I don't even know which of those options would be better.
But I am ok. Really I am. And no one ever said life would be easy, after all.
Tomorrow will be September. Tomorrow I am going to start getting my life back under control. I need some changes, need to move on. Let's see.