Ages ago, as those who read my 'old' blog will know, I decided that really, the only way my (non) relationship with B could work, was if I had no expectations of him whatever. If I let him come and go as the feral cat I compare him to, without expectation or blame, simply enjoying what there is and not regretting what cannot not be. This week though, I have been feeling angry with him. Not about anything he has actually done (yet)....but about something that I am expecting him to do. This is not reasonable, I know. But it's how I feel. I am expecting that he will let me down over something he has said he will do. Maybe I will be proved wrong. I hope so...
But I guess the point is, that however hard I try, I CANNOT have no expectations at all of him. Oh dear.
It's strange having this new blog. I don't really know how to be. There is no history ( and that is the point) but I can't just start doing a completely different style of blog. This is my place for rambling on about me.....and the fact that my thoughts are banal and boring, is just....how it is.
Well. You don't have to read it after all. Not sure I would.
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Not banal or boring my love. You are just finding your voice, that's all. It takes time.
ReplyDeleteIt is impossible not to expect things of people, especially people we care about. Just keep letting go and being willing. You are doing great, as usual.
xx
You need to take a slightly more zen approach - if he doesn't come up to whatever the expectation is then, instead of getting annoyed, shrug your shoulders, say 'oh well' and pour another glass of wine. You can't change him.
ReplyDeleteYeah that expectation thing is hard. I do that a bit. I try to be very relaxed about some things when actually I am trying so bloody hard to be relaxed I am not relaxed at all - just trying to be!
ReplyDeleteBut you can't change people. You just end up losing them - either they run off or you change them into something and then find you don't like them anymore because they aren't themselves.
As for the blog - it is weird starting afresh, isn't it? It actually feels a bit odd commenting here. Oh and you must change your comment options. I don't think I can carry on commenting using my name - it is a pretty daft thing to do and I don't want to link to my blog.
I disappeared from the blogosphere when your drama with B was unfolding, so I don't entirely know all of the story. However, it does seem that you are not very satisfied with this relationship or friendship, or whatever it is. It just seems so "inbetweeny"...not really lovers or partners, but far beyond friendship, too. Wouldn't you rather have all or nothing? Anything inbetween just seems so stressful and unsatisfying.
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