It's that time of year again. I used to love it. Really. When ex and I were still together and lovely son was small, I did xmas big time. The tree would go up on the 1st of December. The cake would already have been baked and brandy would be fed to it regularly. Christmas songs would be played, favorite videos watched. Fairy lights would be everywhere. We would have a glass of sherry ( only time we EVER drank sherry) by the fire and admire the tree which would be decorated with countless special things we had gathered through the years. Things which now sit the the attic of our old home. I don't live there anymore and nor does she.
I just can't be bothered any more. I will have a tree. I mean it is sitting in a pot outside in the garden waiting for christmas to come around again, so I will bring it in. Lovely Son would be disappointed if I didn't. But I will leave it till a couple of days before Christmas. There will be no build up of excitement towards the great day in this house this year. There will not be mountains of presents piling up under the tree, piles of food and wine stocking up in the cupboards. There will not be parties and neighbours popping in for drinks and nibbles. My mother will not be coming to stay.
The day will pass. When Lovely Son is here I shall make an effort and go through the motions. But he wont be here on Christmas day so I shall avoid Christmas dinner. The day will pass. Christmas really IS a time for families and at this time of year I am very conscious that I really HAVE no family any more. Just a share in Lovely Son who has other parents to spend time with too.
I am lucky that I had so many lovely Christmas times and that I have those memories still. And after all, it wasn't always good.. The last Christmas with my ex was beyond awful. Nothing can be worse than that.
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My Christmases have changed over the years, too. In fact, the last two have been quite awful, in retrospect: one where I was at home and feeling sad and upset quite a lot (fortunately, Darling Daughter was also at home with me, so at least I wasn't entirely alone) and another where I was surrounded by well-meaning and kind people (but not family) but still feeling sad and upset, only I couldn't show my true emotions. Still, I am hopeful for this year. I wish that for you too - hope. Take care!
ReplyDeleteI hear you about Christmas! I used to love it as a child, but now it just feels empty and pointless. I was never much for family, but I just really used to enjoy the build-up...the songs in the shops; putting up the tree and decorations etc...you know. I just don't feel at home where I am now, so I don't feel comfortable going to any kind of effort.
ReplyDeleteOne day I know I'll have a good Christmas again, though, and so will you!