Kitchen Chaos

The kitchen is in progress. I cannot say that it is being fitted yet, because in fact it has not yet been delivered. Still, there is progress. The old has been ripped out and currently lies piled on the front lawn awaiting removal. The electricians are here as I write, busily installing new lights and plug points. I am here too, against my better judgement as I had decided that I would cope better with the whole process if I stayed out of the way during the day. However, my meeting ended early, home I came, and lucky as it happens that I did, since two of the six holes that the electrician had cut for positioning the new lights were where there will in fact be cupboards......
Tomorrow, if all goes to plan, the plasterer will work magic, the kitchen will be delivered, and the fitters will start building the units. I may, by the end of this week, have a functioning kitchen. Although NOT one with work surfaces, or indeed flooring. I forgot to order flooring. Damn. I need to get onto that. And the work surfaces apparently cannot be measured up until the rest of it is done, and then it will be a FURTHER two weeks before it is ready. It is a complicated business, this new kitchen thing....
So far I am coping, really rather well. But let's not get excited. It is day two. There are many, many more days to go.......
As to the rest of life, I have had bad days and good ones. I am struggling a little maybe, but I am ok. More or less.

Being Single

It's a funny thing. I have been in a relationship, or, more accurately, a series of relationships, since I was in my early twenties, until ex and I split up three years ago. She and I were together for 17 years, before that I was with someone for six years, before that two more relationships that lasted a couple of years. There were no gaps. I moved seamlessly from one relationship to another, never really experienced, 'being single'. And even when ex and I split up, the Boy was there to pick up the pieces, an to be, if not a relationship, at least a buffer against being alone. So you could say, now that the Boy and I are no longer in even a 'non relationship', this is the first time I have ever truly been alone, without anyone in my life and my bed.
I don't like it. And yet I am not looking for a new relationship, because I simply can't imagine managing to go through all that beginning stuff again. It seems way too complicated. But the thought of sleeping always alone, having no one who knows what I am thinking without my having to say, the thought of there being no one ever again to catch me if I fall, depresses me no end.
I would like to fall madly, stupidly, giddily, in love again, to have that excitingly breathtaking electricity again. I don't see it happening.
Maybe I am just too old, too set in my ways, too fussy.
Damn.

Inertia

I am unable to motivate myself much at all at the moment. Long periods of time are spent staring into space, or reading the same page of a book over and over. Obsessively playing Angry Birds and other mindless games, also works. I cannot even bring myself to go to training, and that really is the strangest thing. It is affecting my work. I stare at bits of paper, wondering what to do with them. I cannot think. I don't seem to have access to the bit of me tht knows what to do, how to respond.
I am grieving, I know. Grief is mysterious. It hits me at odd moments out of the blue. If it was constant, perhaps I could deal with it better, but I will be trundling along, fairly calmly and suddenly it just strikes out of the blue. I am not sure any more how to deal with it. The little, less important losses seem as weighty and unendurable as the big ones. This cannot be right.
I want to feel better, I really do, but I can't seem to manage it.
On the outside, I think I seem to be coping. Most of the time. Inside I am just numb.

Not quite tonight...

I have a meme to do! I meant to get on with it today, but, well today has been frittered away doing nothing much at all, and now I have not the energy. That's ok. I need time doing nothing. I am tired, and lacking in any kind of drive....
So...today I have done nothing useful at all. Unless just sitting and being quiet is useful. Maybe it is.
Had a lovely day out yesterday with one of my favorite in the world bloggers, Katyboo, who is also one of the first bloggers I ever read. Was quite delightful to meet her after all this time, and she was JUST like herself, which was perfect.
I had all kinds of thoughts today about things I want to blog about. But now is not the time I suspect.
A list though. That's the thing.

On being single and alone, and what that means.
On having a child who is now almost grown up.
On still loving my ex, despite three years separation and the impossibility of a future.
On also being a bit in love with an inappropriate other, still, despite everything.
On missing people who are dead.
On wondering what could change.
On struggling. Every day. Just to stay me.
On small moments of joy that lift me enough to make it still worth being.

But I won't start tonight
Maybe tomorrow.
I should either write this blog or give it up maybe?
Hmmmm.

longtime....

Yes I know. Ages in fact. I haven't blogged for all sorts of reasons really. It has been a sad and difficult time. And really, even I am bored with how miserable and depressed I can be on here....so....I haven't blogged. But I DO miss it, so I need to start working this thing out...
First of all.
Update. My most beloved and delightful, adorable friend whom I have known for 30 years,finally succumbed in her heroic fight against cancer which has threatened her for the last 23 years. She died a couple of weeks ago, and the funeral was last monday. I cannot even begin to say how sad this makes me, or describe my loss. And let's not even talk about the long watches in the hospice before she died. I was inconsolable. Bereft. I still am. Also, with horrible irony, in same week, was the first anniversary of my mother's death. I miss her. I keep wanting to phone her. Death would be easier to deal with if it didn't cut off Internet access.
As well as all this......there have been changes in my relationship status.......changes which are not bad.....but still hard.....I can't quite talk about this properly. Suffice to say I am sad on yet another count....maybe I will write later when I have worked out how to do that.....but anyway.
Life? About 3 out of 10 at moment,
Though there HAVE been good bits.
Lovely son came with to the funeral. It was amazing and touching. Black horses. Glass carriage. I have a pic....will try and add later.
Lovely lunch with new Twitter friend who encouraged me to buy delightful I Pad. That was really nice.
Buying the I Pad the next day....with another
Twitter friend, after lunch....
Hearing that a very dear blogger friend, whom I am going to actually MEET next week, after years, saw her daughter grade to her first belt in karate today...
All of these things have kept me from despair.
Though my heart still hurts....
Quite a lot.....

Indecisive

I very much enjoyed reading Pochyemu's blog post this morning . It seems to me that Pochyemu has sunmmed up the nature of love very well. And I think she is wise to hang on to her mouldy loaf, because at heart I believe it is a good loaf, certainly the one she has chosen.
As for me, I am not in a good situation. Somehow or other, I find myself in a situation where I love more than I am loved, where I seem to give an awful lot more than I receive, and although I have long accepted that this is the nature of our friendship, I now have a dilemma, which I cannot seem to resolve. My heart tells me to do something, my head that I should not. My head is saying stop now, this way even more heartache lies, it is time to say no. But how do you do that when you DO love someone, have done for a long time, even if it never has been a relationship which could really work. When I CAN help......how can I not? Even if it is at cost to myself. I tell you, I just don't know. Because I cannot seem to insert links properly, I am hoping this is it here http://itsmostlyaboutme.blogspot.com.

Sad I am

.....But you probably guessed that, right? Because when do I ever get around to writing when I am not? Its been a while though. Not, a while since I was sad, but a while since I have written. This is mostly because I no longer feel particularly safe here on my blog. I don't know what I can do about that. Maybe nothing at all. But a couple of weeks ago, when I was really as sad and low as a very sad low thing can be, I found I simply could not blog about it, just could not bear to, and instead resorted to writing an e mail to myself. At least I didn't reply to it. That would have been strange.
And now I am STILL sad, or maybe again sad, because I have not been totally miserable for all of that time, indeed I have had some nice times on and off....but sad I am. Very. Grieving, bereft and a little bit lost. Wondering if I will ever be actively happy again, fearing that the best days are over, all the good times past and gone.
I am not growing old gracefully it seems.