Picture this?....

I'm kind of back. And kind of not. Recently it has struck me that I want to write again. But maybe in a different way. So I thought about just closing this down and starting again ....... But what the hell?... If any of my original readers are still around you may want to read this garbage.....and it's probably beyond me to set up a new account anyway......
I am beginner at this
But.
I want to write about love, about loss and about mourning.
About passion and sorrow and grief.
About my life.
And I want to explore whether I can write?
Back soon.

Gone Visiting....

Oh dear......It HAS been a long time since I blogged, hasn't it? Not even sure why really. Things have been going on in my head and I mean to write them down, and then I somehow just don't.....
I have, however, done a guest post over at Betty Herbert's wonderful blog....You can find it at http://52seductions.wordpress.com/whispers/whisper-5-solace/ She is MUCH more fun than I!
Maybe this burst of activity will inspire me to come back and write here more often.

Still here....just

I know I always sound miserable when I write here. I am not always unhappy, however, quite often I am quietly ticking along, hanging on in there and reasonably ok. It is perhaps partly that my blog is my therapy. I come here when I am angry or sad, when it all seems too much, when if I don't get it out I may explode.
The last few weeks have been mixed. I have had some nice times and some bad times. Sadness has threatened to overwhelm me more than once. I am still mourning, I am still longing for things I cannot have. On the positive side, I had a good weekend, doing lots of nice things, and Lovely Son was staying, which made it all even nicer. I have had some time off work, but that has been both good and bad. Sometimes not working just leaves me with too much time on my hands to think. Tomorrow I go back to work.
Over the next few weeks I have lots of things planned which I will enjoy. I am making an effort to plan, to ensure that I don't end up having days where I do nothing and see no one. And I can see a shift somewhere in how I am feeling. Things are not quite so bleak, quite so often. I feel a tiny bit more optimistic than I have been feeling for the last three years....
And then something happens which brings it all crashing down. Yesterday I managed to have a row with B, again, which left me filled with rage and fury, upset and distress. I know I should not let him get to me. That if I didn't have expectations of him he would not be able to let me down, would not be able to touch me like this. There is a pattern. We will be ok, and then over a period of a few weeks, I will feel more and more irritated by him and neglected by him, until finally I snap, get angry tell him how I feel, tell him to stay away from me. And he will get angry back, and we will say all the same things to each other that we always do. I reach the point where I decide that my life would be better without him in it and ask him just to stay away. He tells me he is fed up having to justify himself to me. And on it goes. At this point though, when he could walk away, when I WANT him to walk away, he wont. And he stays until we have reached some sort of calm, and maybe we are still friends. That was last night.
Today I feel upset still, and shaken. I hate rows. I don't want this sort of conflict. I wonder if he will stay away now for a while, or whether he will be back here this evening making sure I have not in fact shut him out. I don't even know which of those options would be better.
But I am ok. Really I am. And no one ever said life would be easy, after all.
Tomorrow will be September. Tomorrow I am going to start getting my life back under control. I need some changes, need to move on. Let's see.

Nothing to say really....

I have not been blogging recently because it feels like I have nothing to say. Certainly nothing new or interesting. The kitchen saga grinds on.....eventually I will have a shiny new kitchen, but for now I am living with it half done and going slightly crazy, stressing about it all. I don't understand why builders don't get it that I don't want to live in chaos for longer than necessary. Why they can't see that being without water in the kitchen might actually be a problem. Rant. I could rant on. I won't.
I am sad today. Sad most days actually, and this weekend is feeling very lonely. I have been trying lately to stay positive and to make plans so that I don't give myself time to think too much. Plans for the weekend have gone awry however, and I don't have the energy to re plan. And builders must be accommodated, and will insist on coming at awkward times...
I am upset too, because I am only just coming to realise quite how much I still depend upon someone who no longer cares very much for me. It hurts. Next week will be difficult because he wont be around. It frightens me how much I care. Its only a week after all. It's not though really, it's the way it is now going to be from now on because it feels like he is slipping out of my life, slowly but surely and there is nothing I can do about that, nothing at all. I have messed up in so many ways and I don't know how to make my life something I rejoice in any more.

Crying

I really, really, want to cry. And I can't. Because I am seriously allergic to tears, and my crying would leave me incapacitated for days.........does anyone else have that? So....I want to just curl up for several days being miserable and damp....and I cant. I am still hurting though. I just cant let it out

Kitchen Chaos

The kitchen is in progress. I cannot say that it is being fitted yet, because in fact it has not yet been delivered. Still, there is progress. The old has been ripped out and currently lies piled on the front lawn awaiting removal. The electricians are here as I write, busily installing new lights and plug points. I am here too, against my better judgement as I had decided that I would cope better with the whole process if I stayed out of the way during the day. However, my meeting ended early, home I came, and lucky as it happens that I did, since two of the six holes that the electrician had cut for positioning the new lights were where there will in fact be cupboards......
Tomorrow, if all goes to plan, the plasterer will work magic, the kitchen will be delivered, and the fitters will start building the units. I may, by the end of this week, have a functioning kitchen. Although NOT one with work surfaces, or indeed flooring. I forgot to order flooring. Damn. I need to get onto that. And the work surfaces apparently cannot be measured up until the rest of it is done, and then it will be a FURTHER two weeks before it is ready. It is a complicated business, this new kitchen thing....
So far I am coping, really rather well. But let's not get excited. It is day two. There are many, many more days to go.......
As to the rest of life, I have had bad days and good ones. I am struggling a little maybe, but I am ok. More or less.

Being Single

It's a funny thing. I have been in a relationship, or, more accurately, a series of relationships, since I was in my early twenties, until ex and I split up three years ago. She and I were together for 17 years, before that I was with someone for six years, before that two more relationships that lasted a couple of years. There were no gaps. I moved seamlessly from one relationship to another, never really experienced, 'being single'. And even when ex and I split up, the Boy was there to pick up the pieces, an to be, if not a relationship, at least a buffer against being alone. So you could say, now that the Boy and I are no longer in even a 'non relationship', this is the first time I have ever truly been alone, without anyone in my life and my bed.
I don't like it. And yet I am not looking for a new relationship, because I simply can't imagine managing to go through all that beginning stuff again. It seems way too complicated. But the thought of sleeping always alone, having no one who knows what I am thinking without my having to say, the thought of there being no one ever again to catch me if I fall, depresses me no end.
I would like to fall madly, stupidly, giddily, in love again, to have that excitingly breathtaking electricity again. I don't see it happening.
Maybe I am just too old, too set in my ways, too fussy.
Damn.

Inertia

I am unable to motivate myself much at all at the moment. Long periods of time are spent staring into space, or reading the same page of a book over and over. Obsessively playing Angry Birds and other mindless games, also works. I cannot even bring myself to go to training, and that really is the strangest thing. It is affecting my work. I stare at bits of paper, wondering what to do with them. I cannot think. I don't seem to have access to the bit of me tht knows what to do, how to respond.
I am grieving, I know. Grief is mysterious. It hits me at odd moments out of the blue. If it was constant, perhaps I could deal with it better, but I will be trundling along, fairly calmly and suddenly it just strikes out of the blue. I am not sure any more how to deal with it. The little, less important losses seem as weighty and unendurable as the big ones. This cannot be right.
I want to feel better, I really do, but I can't seem to manage it.
On the outside, I think I seem to be coping. Most of the time. Inside I am just numb.

Not quite tonight...

I have a meme to do! I meant to get on with it today, but, well today has been frittered away doing nothing much at all, and now I have not the energy. That's ok. I need time doing nothing. I am tired, and lacking in any kind of drive....
So...today I have done nothing useful at all. Unless just sitting and being quiet is useful. Maybe it is.
Had a lovely day out yesterday with one of my favorite in the world bloggers, Katyboo, who is also one of the first bloggers I ever read. Was quite delightful to meet her after all this time, and she was JUST like herself, which was perfect.
I had all kinds of thoughts today about things I want to blog about. But now is not the time I suspect.
A list though. That's the thing.

On being single and alone, and what that means.
On having a child who is now almost grown up.
On still loving my ex, despite three years separation and the impossibility of a future.
On also being a bit in love with an inappropriate other, still, despite everything.
On missing people who are dead.
On wondering what could change.
On struggling. Every day. Just to stay me.
On small moments of joy that lift me enough to make it still worth being.

But I won't start tonight
Maybe tomorrow.
I should either write this blog or give it up maybe?
Hmmmm.

longtime....

Yes I know. Ages in fact. I haven't blogged for all sorts of reasons really. It has been a sad and difficult time. And really, even I am bored with how miserable and depressed I can be on here....so....I haven't blogged. But I DO miss it, so I need to start working this thing out...
First of all.
Update. My most beloved and delightful, adorable friend whom I have known for 30 years,finally succumbed in her heroic fight against cancer which has threatened her for the last 23 years. She died a couple of weeks ago, and the funeral was last monday. I cannot even begin to say how sad this makes me, or describe my loss. And let's not even talk about the long watches in the hospice before she died. I was inconsolable. Bereft. I still am. Also, with horrible irony, in same week, was the first anniversary of my mother's death. I miss her. I keep wanting to phone her. Death would be easier to deal with if it didn't cut off Internet access.
As well as all this......there have been changes in my relationship status.......changes which are not bad.....but still hard.....I can't quite talk about this properly. Suffice to say I am sad on yet another count....maybe I will write later when I have worked out how to do that.....but anyway.
Life? About 3 out of 10 at moment,
Though there HAVE been good bits.
Lovely son came with to the funeral. It was amazing and touching. Black horses. Glass carriage. I have a pic....will try and add later.
Lovely lunch with new Twitter friend who encouraged me to buy delightful I Pad. That was really nice.
Buying the I Pad the next day....with another
Twitter friend, after lunch....
Hearing that a very dear blogger friend, whom I am going to actually MEET next week, after years, saw her daughter grade to her first belt in karate today...
All of these things have kept me from despair.
Though my heart still hurts....
Quite a lot.....

Indecisive

I very much enjoyed reading Pochyemu's blog post this morning . It seems to me that Pochyemu has sunmmed up the nature of love very well. And I think she is wise to hang on to her mouldy loaf, because at heart I believe it is a good loaf, certainly the one she has chosen.
As for me, I am not in a good situation. Somehow or other, I find myself in a situation where I love more than I am loved, where I seem to give an awful lot more than I receive, and although I have long accepted that this is the nature of our friendship, I now have a dilemma, which I cannot seem to resolve. My heart tells me to do something, my head that I should not. My head is saying stop now, this way even more heartache lies, it is time to say no. But how do you do that when you DO love someone, have done for a long time, even if it never has been a relationship which could really work. When I CAN help......how can I not? Even if it is at cost to myself. I tell you, I just don't know. Because I cannot seem to insert links properly, I am hoping this is it here http://itsmostlyaboutme.blogspot.com.

Sad I am

.....But you probably guessed that, right? Because when do I ever get around to writing when I am not? Its been a while though. Not, a while since I was sad, but a while since I have written. This is mostly because I no longer feel particularly safe here on my blog. I don't know what I can do about that. Maybe nothing at all. But a couple of weeks ago, when I was really as sad and low as a very sad low thing can be, I found I simply could not blog about it, just could not bear to, and instead resorted to writing an e mail to myself. At least I didn't reply to it. That would have been strange.
And now I am STILL sad, or maybe again sad, because I have not been totally miserable for all of that time, indeed I have had some nice times on and off....but sad I am. Very. Grieving, bereft and a little bit lost. Wondering if I will ever be actively happy again, fearing that the best days are over, all the good times past and gone.
I am not growing old gracefully it seems.

The Nature of Hope

It is possible to go on half hoping for something that you know in your heart will not happen, and which in truth, you are not even sure you would wish to. The problem is, that disappointment will inevitably follow. Still, is it not better to hope than not? I am not sure.
This last week has been up and down. Lovely son is out of hospital and safely back in London, where he will remain, more or less bed bound, or at least sofa bound for the next ten days. This is good. He tells me he is using the enforced down time to study. This is VERY good!
Less good, is that I managed to get bitten by a spider at the weekend, and my knee and leg became hideously painfully swollen, necessitating a visit to the out of hours medical clinic, and massive doses of antibiotics.
A spider. Yes really. Who knew spiders could be so toxic? I didn't actually SEE the spider, but the doctor assured me that the bite was a typical spider bite. Anyone else been bitten by a spider? No? Just me then. The swelling has receded and the puncture wounds are healing up. Still, I shall be more wary of spiders now.
My bathroom has been decorated by B, who is not a speedy decorator, but is a thorough one. This is good. Less good is the boring need to have the shower screen replaced, and possibly one of the worktops, as the fitter failed to fit an access panel for the cistern. Which means they will have to come BACK! Grrrr.
Now I am working myself up to have the kitchen done.
My headache, which had started to get better, came back on sunday, with a vengeance. So it is back on the painkillers. I am wondering if the antibiotics have triggered it this time/ But who knows. All I know is it is BACK and I need to find a way of getting rid. I even tried the drugs the Doctor gave me last night, it was so painful. The pain didn't seem to go, but I certainly slept and I felt like a Zombie this morning. Apparently, the same drugs, on a higher dosage, are used as anti depressants. I can't imagine how anyone could function at ALL on the dosage I had, let alone double that! I have a new respect for people on anti depressants. They must be tougher than I am. I was in a daze all morning, after taking them last night, and in fact I still wouldn't fancy driving. It is not an unpleasant feeling, but it is a liitle strange, and I don't think I shall take them again.
Even though it is Easter week, I have a busy few days at work ahead. I need all my braincells to be firing.

Avoiding Getting Up

Today, it has been extraordinarily difficult to prise myself out of the warm nest that is my bed. Really I would like to stay here all day. Which is unfortunate, because right now, I should be at work, racing through a million things that need doing. At some point in the middle of the night, I decided that maybe it would be more productive for me to work from home, which is what I did very successfully yesterday. That's only going to work if I actually get up I fear....
Lovely son has finally had his operation and now has lots of metal and pins in his ankle. I feel very, very sad about this. I know there are much worse things that can happen to your child, but nonetheless, when I think of him forever now slightly less able, it makes me want to cry. Also, he is in a lot of pain still, and is finding it hard. The next two weeks will have to be spent more or less immobile, after which he can progress to the hobbling about on crutches stage. The one advantage to his forced inactivity is that he is managing to get some studying done. That he wont be able to go out clubbing and drinking for a while also strikes me as good. The downside, is that because he needs to be immobile, and my house is NOT set up for that, he will not be able to stay with me. By the time he is at the hobbling on crutches stage, when he could, he will need to be back up north and getting ready for exams. Its not that I wont be able to see him, I can, once he is in London see him everyday if we want, but thats not quite the same as having him here at home. Still, there it is. And at least if he is in London, his friends will be able to pop in and cheer him up. Down here in the country, he would probably get a bit lonesome, especially as I will be working.
My headache is still with me. I did finally go to the GP, who, as I expected, couldn't really do much about it. She did however, do all the checking things you are supposed to do, and concluded, as I already had, that it is probably stress related, and not a brain tumour, high blood pressure, or anything else too nasty. Although she did give me some drugs you can take at night, so far I haven't done so, because she also recommended not driving the next morning if I do take them.
Ibuprofen is keeping the pain manageable, and, fingers crossed, I think it is actually getting a bit better. I am having to take the pain killers less often. I am mending.
I wish I could run away somewhere hot and by the sea. Just for a few days. But I have not the energy at the moment to organise such a thing, even if I had the time and for that matter money, which I don't. Work is busy. I am enjoying work at the moment so I'm not complaining, but I am busy and its not a good time to take time off. Also, now that I have survived the Bathroom Trauma, I need to get on with the new Kitchen, which is likely to leave me broke for the next few months. So I guess a holiday is not really practical right now. When the weather gets better, and the sun starts to shine I wont mind so much. I have paid a delightful gardener to sort my jungle out to a stage where I can actually DO things in the garden and enjoy it again. My neglect last year meant that it had all just got out of control and was too daunting to tackle....he has done a lot already and next week will finish it off.This is good.
I am avoiding getting on with the day, but really I must....

Bones and Bathrooms, Heartache and headache

Things have been stressful lately. New bathroom works started last monday, and amazingly, finished on friday. Apart from the hiccup where this morning I had to call the plumber out again, the lovely new shower having ceased to work three minutes into the shower, it went quite remarkably smoothly. It was not without stress....but it was OK. I coped. Yay me. I may even start kitchen works soon. So you see, I can DO building works now...
What overshadowed all of it, was that lovely son managed last saturday, to break three bones in his ankle, while on a drunken end of term night out. I got a very VERY scary call from the hospital he was taken too, which managed to tell me he had been admitted, without telling me what had happened. It took an anxious ( anxious? I was in bits!) 10 minutes before I finally got through to him, and heard what has had happened. His mobile wasn't working and he couldn't call me, which is why the scary message thing happened. Honestly,. The NHS was lucky it didn't have another admission with a heart attack....
Anyway, poor baby is still in hospital, 300 miles from me, and can't be operated on until tuesday, because of swelling. I absolutely HATE that I am not with him, and spend much of my time wanting to cry. Even though I know he is fine and being looked after....
I can't just rush up there......because my ex is there. Well she lives up north. Its easy for her to get to him. And she IS, and he is getting the best of care...and I speak to him several times a day. And its fine really. Except it physically hurts to have him so far away when I know he is in pain and in trouble. This probably doesn't make sense to anyone reading who doesn't know the whole story.....but trust me, its best if I DON'T go up and muddy the waters...so....
On top of that, I have had a headache for over ten days. It started on a Wednesday evening, when I had a massive row with B. The kind of row where you think, really, this is absolutely the end of this, because I just cannot, will not, do this any more....as it happens, we did, kind of, make up that evening. But still, I was left feeling very, very sad. I cried. When I cry, it actually makes me feel ill. I get flu like symptoms, and a headache.....
Even though we made up....kind of...I woke the next morning with a headache still.....and it just has not really lifted for more than a few hours since. Painkillers keep it manageable. B has done some massage a couple of times which helps short term, but doesn't fix. It is quite agonising sometimes. I don't really get headaches normally, so it is also quite frightening. There is a bit on my head at the back which makes me feel quite sick to touch, it hurts so much. I am not sure what to do. It feels to me that this is stress related and tension related. But who knows. Maybe I need to go and see a doctor, but my instincts tell me that GP's don't really deal with this kind of thing...
I am a bit of a mess right now.
Tired, anxious, and a bit sad.

Home improvements...

See, this is why I am so stressed about having the new bathroom fitted. Let us not talk about the kitchen yet, please? Today there was supposed to be delivery of a nice oak tv table that I selected last weekend. The delivery was arranged. I had to hustle back from work faster than I wanted to, to be sure I was here for delivery. I rang the people to remind them that I would only be at home for the allotted two hour slot, and had to be out later, at which point I was assured there was NO problem, as they had just left and would be with me within 30 minutes! Earlier than expected, but fine. I was now home after all. So.......an hour later I get a call from the delivery guy. He is 20 miles away, having been given the wrong postcode, which he hes stuck in his sat nav without checking it actually corresponded to the village in which I live. It didn't. However, we sorted that, and 40 minutes later, he arrived. And unloaded from his van, a package which was clearly the wrong shape, and NOT my tv table! Again, NOT his fault. He delivers what he is given. So....now I am left with, 'well we might be able to deliver the right one sometime o Saturday.@ Fine. Except I don't actually want to stay IN all day Saturday. But I guess its that or shop elsewhere. And, I LIKES this table....and lets face it.....the next lot will probably fuck up too. Does no one actually listen any more? Or care?
I am DREADING the bathroom saga, which for those of you who wish to know ( HA!) starts a week on Monday.....

Crap Blogger, I am....I know!

I haven't written for ages. Not because I don't want to as it happens, but because there is just too much stuff whirling round in my head.
I want to write about my friend whose long running battle with cancer has just become very much worse, and who is in a very bad place. I want to talk about my despair and guilt and sadness, and my fear of what comes next for her, and my sense that I am failing her.
Or about my stepfather who is sad and lonely and devastated by my mothers death, despite being busy with new projects at work and lots of useful activity. I could talk about how I miss her too, and how I think about her a lot, and wish so many things had been different.
I could talk about my son, and how I miss him too, at the moment. A lot.
Or about how I think about my ex every day and wonder how we could have done things differently, done them better.
Could even refer to my stupidly exasperating, but still, somehow, important relationship with the Boy.
All of those things I would like to explore, but I am too tangled up in everything.
I should also say, that within all the anxiety and sadness and fear, there is also a small hopeful part of me that wants attention.
All is not bad you see.
I do not despair.
There are things that make me smile too. Quite a few of them at that.
Normal service will resume soon.
Whatever that is!

Bathroom FAIL

Fury, fury, fury is me.I thought I had new Bathroom sorted. Was dreading whole thing, but thought oit was done deal. But not fffffng fitter has come in with prices that no way match the estimate. The extra money is not really the problem. The fact that I can't feel I trust him IS. I don't want him in my house for two weeks. I don't want him having a key. I don't like that he thinks I am a woman on my own and that he can take the piss. Cos that is very much what it feels like.
I don't want this.
I need to sort a solution.
And am FURIOUS with myself that I let myself be drawn in this far without being more cynical.,
THAT will teach me to think the best of people.
Better by far, or at least more real to think the worst.
Cynical? Me? Hell yes.

Snow Fairy Fail

Snow again today. I set out to get the train into work, but turned back halfway to the station. It was just to scary driving. Everytime I touched the brakes I skidded. So now, I am working from home again, and just praying that it STOPS snowing soon. Actually, its looking more hopeful. Earlier, it was settling and looking set to continue. Now, it is still snowing, but melting when it lands, and I THINK it looks like the stuff already down is thawing. I can see patches of green at least. So, despite the forecast, that it will get worse over next few days, I am hopeful that normal life may resume soon. Preferably tomorrow! I really could not face being snowed in again.
This weekend I have ordered a new bathroom. I am amazed! That I have actually managed to choose something, and that I have taken the irretrevable step of paying the deposit. I now need to wait for the fitters to contact me, to arrange a date to put it all in. I am hoping for before easter, but rather expecting it to be after. I dread the thought of the process. The house full of workmen ( bound to be men I fear) making much mess and noise, and being without bathing facilities for several days. But it must be done, and I hope it wilol be worth it. Not only that, but I have more or less chosen what I want in the kitchen, and am now awaiting the quote on that. Hopefully, I will order that as soon as the bathroom is in, with a view to having it fitted in june or july.......that will be a nightmare too. Still, I am determined to do these things. Even if it does make me feel as tho I may have a panic attack. Breathe in.....breathe out.......

Almost February now......

After my last rather dreary post, I decided I should wait till January was over before writing again, but here I am after all, with one day still to go. The sun is shining and it is bitterly cold outside. A lovely day. Despite a bad start, when my car door jammed on open and I had to call the AA out to fix it, missing training as a result, I am feeling quite relaxed and cheerful today. In fact it has been quite a nice week really.
Yesterday I spent the afternoon with B's three year old son, while he went off to play football. It was curiously relaxing. Mostly he watched Teletubbies while playing with duplo. Mostly I sat on the sofa half watching him, half reading a book. He is disturbingly like his father at times when it comes to communicating. When he was younger I spent a lot more time with him, and B used to bring him to stay with me a lot. In the last year or so, I have not seen nearly so much of him, with B tending to spend the weekends when he looks after his son at his mum's house. B's mum I mean. I have missed him. Not the waking up several times a night and having to get up at six in the morning bit, but just the sheer pleasure of having a small child in my life. And he, MiniB, enjoyed himself too. Maybe we can get back to spending more regular time together. I would like that.
It's complicated, because my relationship with B is complicated. I is hard to know how involved I should be in his child's life. It feels important that I don't get over involved, and then drop out of his life at some stage when B and I finally give up on each other.